I came across a definition of love the other day that was offered by Burt Hellinger, the godfather of family constellation therapy. It is a definition that offers food for thought in a leadership and organisational context.
LOVE = SEEING + DISTANCE – JUDGEMENT
This definition of love offers much food for thought and some very practical advice. If we are able to see each other and/or the situation whilst also stepping back far enough to get some perspective on the ‘story’ then we are off to a great start. The distance gives us a chance to depersonalise the situation a bit, to see the facts and maybe even leave room for the other person’s reality. When we then add into that mix, a practise of eliminating judgement we are really cooking on gas.
As we know, love is not a word that’s often used in the workplace although I have to admit my delight when a very senior leader used it in the context of collaboration and inter-departmental relationships suggesting that it would be far better to ‘assume love’ as the starting point of any interaction rather than something more nefarious. What a fabulous starting point for all human relationships.
Chris Argyris’ ladder of inference is another great tool in the practising of love in the workplace. It invites us to really examine our assumptions, biases and mental models before ‘jumping to conclusions’ and meaning making. This too is a vital part of effective relationships and underpins the expression of love at a very practical level.
We allow our more traditional definitions of love – romantic, familial, friendships – to colour our willingness to extend the practise of love more widely. Taken on a broader level, if we as the human race were willing and able to extend love in every situation, in every relationship – transient or more sustained, we would transform the quality of life on so many levels.
As leaders we have the opportunity to seed such a culture and if we take our lead from the client I mentioned, or Burt Hellinger or Chris Argyris, we can actually promote love in a way that others can accept.
Of course, bringing the heart and love into business is about the softer qualities of kindness, compassion, caring and so on, permeating our relationships with all stakeholders. And it’s also about developing the behaviours of human interaction that create space for those softer qualities to be expressed in ways that combine with the needs of business.
To my mind, Hellinger’s definition is ‘love in action’, acknowledging the messiness and confusion that is so often present in human relationship. If we adopt this more practical stance, we may find that the quality of all relationships shifts exponentially.